Opeongo Mountain Resort

Joke of the Month

Page Five

Jokes that just won't die, even with a stake through their heart.

Ding Dong

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." {You want more, you say?} The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

World's Greatest Dog

Two rival duck hunters always tried to out do each other. If one claimed to have killed two ducks with a single shot the other would brag that he had once killed three. They went on this way for years with each one trying to get the better of the other. Then one season one of them bought a highly trained retriever to do his fetching. His rival was dejected for awhile until he came upon a very special Labrador Retriever that he was sure would impress the other guy. He could hardly wait for their next hunting trip to show off his new dog's talents. The next weekend they both went out together. When the ducks flew over head he shot and one fell. He told his Lab to go and get the duck. The dog jumped from the boat walked across the top of the water, got the duck, and came back. The other hunter seemed to be unimpressed. So he waited until more ducks flew over, shot, one fell, he ordered the dog to go get the duck. The Lab jumped from the boat and again walked across the top of the water, got the duck, and came back. The other hunter still made no comment. This went on a few more times with the Lab's owner getting more and more frustrated by the other hunter's lack of comment on his dog's amazing ability. Finally, unable to contain his frustration, he asked his rival, "Well what's the matter, don't you notice anything about my dog that's worth commenting on?" The other hunter scratched his chin for a second and answered, "Good lookin dog. Pity he can't swim."

Fast Car

A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked."Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!", the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" Thanks to Jim Preston of Baltimore, Maryland

Heaven's Car Lot

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another women." St. Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while your in heaven." The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven." The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old V. Bug over there is yours to use while your in heaven. The three guys go off on their separate ways. A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad, you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"He answers, "She was riding a bicycle!"

Law Enforcement

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his heels came the game warden. After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped. With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

Ups and Downs

A man is doing his first skydive. He jumps from the plane, freefalls for a bit then pulls his main rip-cord...nothing happens. After a short panic, he pulls his reserve rip-cord...again, nothing happens. As he's zooming toward the ground, another man comes shooting past him toward the sky. The jumper hollers, "Hey! Do you know anything about rip-cords???" The other man shouts back, "NOooooo! Do you know anything about camping stoves?"

A Joke for April 30th

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until allthe juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet. " After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?" The man replied, "I work for Revenue Canada."

Three Ways to Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a busy day, so Peter had to tell the first one "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story? The first man replies: "Well, for awhile I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I told her I was going fishing, but instead, came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into the 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing 25 floors above the ground! By now, I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-- but even after falling 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but ok. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. All the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony. "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter and let the man in. The second man approaches and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge, but I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved but he started beating and kicking on me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but ok. Just when I was thinking I was going to be ok, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, I was hiding inside this refrigerator..."

Final Exam

An ambulance driver, a policeman and a fisherman all died at the same time when a rescue attempt went bad. They arrived at Heaven's gate the same moment and were met by St. Peter. After greeting the three men, St. Peter explained that he had been ordered to give each person a test of skill before allowing them to enter heaven. He assured them it would be easy and asked them who wished to go first? The ambulance driver stepped forward and volunteered. "Count to ten for me", St. Peter asked. The ambulance driver counted...one....two...three, and then stopped. After a wait St. Peter prodded him, "Is that as far as you can go?" "Sure", said the driver, "We only need to count to three in my line of work. You put the body on the stretcher and count, one, two, three...lift." St. Peter now turned to the policeman and asked him, "How about you? Can you count to ten?" The police officer studied for a minute and then started, "one..two..three..four..five..six." St. Peter gave him a minute and then asked, "Is that all you know?" "Heck", said the cop, "We only need to count to six. Our guns only hold six bullets and when we count six shots we know its time to reload." St. Peter looked over at the fisherman. "I sure hope one of you can count to ten." "No problem", said the fisherman and began to demonstrate by quickly counting to ten. St. Peter was impressed and said, " I'll bet you can do better then that. Show me just how far you can go." The fisherman started to count again near the end of where he left off. "Let me see..nine ..ten.....Jack..Queen..King..Ace."

In the Male

A Pole and a Czech went to the Yukon to film a pair of mating Grizzly bears. Their guide told them to stay in their cabin and they could safely film the bears to their heart's content. When he returned two days later, he found the cabin empty, its doors torn from the hinges and the inside ransacked. Searching around, he found bits of clothing and blood everywhere. While he was looking about, the female grizzly came rushing at him from the woods. Fast reflexes allowed him to get off a life saving shot that killed her instantly. When he opened her up he found a ring and a wallet belonging to the Pole. He left without ever bothering to search for the male. Why bother, he already knew the answer, the Czech was in the male.

A Pair in the Air

Two fishin buddies were on an airplane heading up to Canada for some great fishing. Now everyone knows that fishermen aside from being devout liars, seldom have a bit of sense about anything but fishing. Anyway, these two buddies are settled back in their seats drinking a beer when the pilot makes an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen", he began, "we seem to be experiencing some problem with our #4 engine. There is absolutely nothing to worry about, this plane can make the flight on the remaining three engines. However, we will be getting to Canada about 15 minutes late. The one buddy turned to his partner and began to express some concern, but his friend just slapped him on the back and said, "Don't worry about a thing. We'll just have another beer and still get there in plenty of time to get in some fishing." A few minutes pass and the pilot comes back on the intercom. "Uh, Ladies and Gentlemen, we seem to have just lost our #3 engine. However, there is no cause for concern, we can easily make the flight on the remaining two engines. We will, however, be about 1 hour late getting to our destination." The one buddy is really getting nervous now but his friend calms him down saying, "Don't fret about this. What's another hour? We'll just have another beer or two and still get to Canada in plenty of time to do some fishing." Just as his finishes getting his friend calmed down the pilot is back on the intercom again. This time you can tell he is getting a bit nervous. "Uh, Ladies and gentlemen, uh, well, this is sort of embarrassing, but we seem to have lost the use of our #2 engine. However, I must assure you, we can safely fly this plane on a single engine but, we will be about two hours late getting to our destination" By now the nervous angler has had all he can stand. He turns to his buddy and says, "Don't you tell me to relax and have another beer. Can't you see what a spot we are in. If we loose just one more engine we're going to be stuck up here forever"

A Fish Story

Three fishermen were out on Lake Clear one afternoon when one of them felt his line pull so hard it was all he could do to keep the rod in his hand. He was sure he had a record pike or walleye on line and he worked that fish with every ounce of his skill and knowledge. The fight lasted half an hour with all three men doing their part to keep the line free of the anchor rope and the net in a ready position. Finally, with its strength played out the fish was reeled in to the net. At first they had a hard time telling what it was. Obviously, it was a walleye and it looked to weigh 20 pounds or more, but it's color was bright blue. When they eased it into the boat they were surprised to hear it talk to them. "I am a magic walleye", it said, "and if you will consent to release me I will grant you a wish." The angler with the rod recovered first and said, "I'll let you go, but you must grant my wish before I put you back into the water." The fish agreed and the man said, "I wish to have an IQ of 150." The fish flipped over and suddenly the man was reciting Shakespeare and providing insightful comments on the bard's style. At this point the angler holding the net spoke up and said, "What about me. I netted you. If you want to be free you are going to have to make me as smart as Einstein." The fish flipped over a second time and suddenly the man was expounding on quantum physics and writing mathematical equations all over the boat seats. The third angler decided to seize his chance and said, "Wait just a minute fish. This is my boat and if you hope to leave it you must make me at least twice as smart as any living man." The fish flipped around to face him and said, "I don't usually give advice on wishes, but I suggest you reconsider. You have no idea how your wish will change your life. Why not wish for a million dollars?" "Don't try to play games with me fish", the man said "I saw what you did for those other two and I want my wish just the way I asked for it." The fish let out a sigh, flipped over, and turned the man into a woman.

Bonus Joke

A Hunting Story

A game warden came upon a man in the woods one day and noticed three dead squirrels laying at his feet. Since the man had no gun, the warden was going to cite him for trapping squirrels without a license. When confronted the man said, "I didn't trap these squirrels, I uglied them to death." The warden then took his first good look the man and discovered he was probably the ugliest human being he had ever seen. Even he could not stand to look him straight in the eyes, but he didn't think it could be bad enough to kill a squirrel. He said to the man, "I'll agree that you are ugly, but I'll need to see some proof about how you are killing the squirrels." The man motioned him to step back and stay quiet. Pretty soon there is a rustle up in the branches of a nearby tree and a squirrel scurries into view. The man steps out into the open and whistles up at the squirrel. The squirrel looks down at the man, shakes violently for a few seconds, and falls to the ground. It is stone dead. The warden is amazed and says to the man, "If I didn't see it myself I would have never believed it. You must be the ugliest creature ever to walk the face of the earth!" "Oh heck," the man said, "I ain't nothin. You should see my wife. She is twice as ugly as me." The warden was astounded at this information and said, "I'll bet she is one fine squirrel hunter!" "Well, she used to be," he replied, "but I had to stop bringing her with me. She was tearing up the meat too much."

Back to the lame jokes on Page Four.