Opeongo Mountain Resort

Joke of the Month

Page Four

Jokes too stale for page one, two or three but not ripe enough for page five.

Prison vs. Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 5x8 cubicle. In prison you get 3 meals a day At work you take a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. In prison you get time off for good behavior At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can't even speak to family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to get to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside waiting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside the bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them managers.

Magical Cruise

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Heavenly Express

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this young lady. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about ten minutes ago."

Business Solutions

A monastery of Franciscan Friars found themselves in serious financial trouble one day and began searching for a way to support themselves while preserving their traditional values. After much discussion it was decided that they should go into the business of making floral arrangements and selling them in a near by town. Some could grow the flowers. Others could cut and arrange them. While the more worldly of their number could man the shop and sell the arrangements. It was the perfect answer and the monks put their hearts into the work. In no time the reputation of the monk's flower shop spread and their order prospered. People came from miles around to visit the shop to buy their heavenly arrangements. However, their prosperity was gained at the expense of all the other florists in the area. Soon the other florists began to gather and grumble about the hard times their shops were experiencing. It was decided to send a delegation to the monk's shop to convince them to scale down their operation. The delegation pleaded and begged the monks to curtail their aggressive marketing, but to no avail. They returned to the other florists dejected and angry. There was talk of burning the monks out. Just as the group seem on the verge of taking drastic action, a florist who had been away on vacation came into the meeting. He listened for a few minutes to the tale of woe, and held up his hand. "Stop this foolish talk," he said, "I have the solution to all of our problems. I will ask my good friend Hugh to talk to them. Hugh can be VERY persuasive." The other had their doubts but the figured it would not hurt to let Hugh take a shot at talking to the monks one more time. On the appointed day every florist gathered in the street near the monks shop to wait for Hugh. He appeared around noon time and walked quietly through the crowd and into the Franciscan's shop. He was not overly large or distinctive in any apparent way. He was in the shop for less than fifteen minutes when he reappeared and walked quietly back through the crowd and out of town. By the end of the day the monks had closed up shop and left the town for good. No one knows what Hugh said or did to convince the monks to leave, but to this day the florists of that town will tell you the moral of this tale: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Final Jepoardy

Three fishermen find themselves at the Pearly Gates at the same time and St. Peter decides that a small skill testing question might be in order since these guys probably were never near a church on Sundays. He called the first one forward and asked, "What is Easter?" The angler thought for a second and answered, "Easter is a holiday in the fall just around deer season. It is when we eat lots of turkey, watch football and give thanks for all of God's goodness." "WRONG," says St. Peter and the guy vanishes down through the clouds with a puff of smoke. St. Peter then turns to the next angler and asks him the same question. "That's easy," he says "Easter is a holiday that celebrates Christ. During Easter we all exchange gifts in celebration of the gifts the three wise men gave the baby Jesus. Some families decorate a large tree...." "ENOUGH!" shouts St. Peter and the second fisherman disappears down through the clouds. There is only one fisherman left and St. Peter turns to him and asks the same question. The last angler swallows hard and begins. "Easter is the holiest event on the Christian calendar occurring each year around the time of Jewish Passover. It celebrates the events of the last days of Jesus' life when he was betrayed by one his disciples and turned over to the Romans. The Romans crucified him hanging him on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was stabbed in the side and made to wear a crown of thorns. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed with a large boulder." A broad smile of delight began to creep across St. Peter's face. "Please continue, " he suggested, delighted that someone had paid attention to their Sunday School lessons. The third angler continued, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so Jesus can come out....uh...uh... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Near Beer

A beer convention is held each year and representatives of breweries from around the world come to check up on their competition. A delegate from the U.S. walks into the convention pub and walks up to the bar. The bartender asks what he will have. "I'm from the U. S. of A.," he announces, "and in the U.S. there is only one beer that is good enough to be called the king of beers. I'll have a Bud." The bar tender gives him a bottle of Bud and turns to wait on the next delegate who has walked in. Looking down the bar at the fellow drinking the Bud he says, "I am from Australia and down there we have a brew that only true men and women drink. Make mine a Fosters" The bartender slides a bottle of Fosters into his hand and turns to wait on the next delegate. This guy looks around at the other delegates and says, "South of the boarder, down old Mexico way we have learned the true brewers art of making fine beer. In Mexico the only beer fit to drink is Corona. I'll have one of those." A bottle of Corona slides down the bar into his hand. Just then the president of Labatts brewery walks into the pub. He looks around at the other delegates and proceeds to the bar where he asks for a bottle of Coca-Cola. The other delegates are astounded and whispers of disapproval go through the crowd. Finally, one of the delegates stands up and says, "Hey aren't you the president of Labatts? Why isn't the president of that great Canadian brewery ordering a beer?" The president looks around at the bar and the tables and says, "None of you are drinking beer, so why should I?"

Amazing Discovery

A reclusive family from deep in the hills decided to visit a big suburban shopping mall for the first time in their lives. The women folk went to look at some clothing while father and son strolled the mall taking in all the modern wonders. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Sea Tale

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar and talk turns to their adventures at sea. The sailor notices the pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch and imagines the adventures behind the missing pieces. "So, how did you end up with a peg leg," the sailor asks. The pirate replies, "We were at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me our, a Great White bit me leg off." "Wow!" said the sailor, "What about your hook?" "Well matey," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and the fighting was close and bloody. Swords we was using and just as I was about to run a man through, a mate of his cut me hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the sailor, "Now, how did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into me eye," the pirate said with a bit of disgust. "What? You lost your eye to a simple seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously, "Did it get infected or something?" "Well....." said the pirate with a bit of embarrassment, "It was me first day with the hook."

Fair Game

The wife of an avid hunter decided to find out what all the excitement was about when it came to deer hunting. So she asked her husband to teach her. The husband spent all summer teaching her to shoot and about the wily ways of the Whitetail deer. Finally, "Opening Day" came around and the pair started off before first light. The husband, flashlight in hand, escorted his wife to her hunting stand and told her that he would be about 300 yards away from her and if she shot a deer he would come running. The husband had just reached his stand when he heard his wife shoot. Since it was still too dark to see anything, he feared the worst and went running to his wife's location. As he neared the location he heard his wife shouting, "IT'S MY DEER, I SHOT IT!!" He heard a man reply "OK, Lady. Just let me get my saddle off of him."

Double Trouble

A CATTLEMAN rode into a clearing and saw an enraged bull about to charge a cowboy who had become separated from his horse. Head down and nostrils flared, the bull charged. The cowboy dived into a convenient recess in the ground, and the bull plunged across the hole. The cowboy leaped out, and on came the bull again, madder than ever. Back into the hole dropped the cowboy. The cattleman watched this happen half a dozen times, then yelled, "Why don't you just stay in the hole?" Leaping out again, the cowboy shouted, "There's a bear in that hole."

Wish For It

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." POOF! Suddenly, he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

Late Arrival

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

The Perfect Gift

A older gentleman goes to a lingerie store. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. This is $200, she says. I want one that's more sheer, he says. The sales lady returns with another one "This one is $350" she said. "Come on, you must have something even better" he replies. Once again she returns, holding up a negligee that you could barely see This one is the sheerest one that we have. It's $500. "I'll take it!" he exclaims. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me. His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference. o his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. So, how do you like it? she asks. He responds angrily "You'd think for $500. they'd iron the thing!"

Thanks to Jane Spicer.

Grizzly Bear Alert!

In light of the rising frequency of human / grizzly bear conflicts, the Alberta Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters and anglers or anyone enjoying wilderness areas, to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. The use of small noisy bells attached to clothing is advisable so as to startle bears that can't see your approach. It is also advisable for the outdoors person carry a good quality pepper spray in case a bear encounter is unavoidable. Furthermore, it is wise to be watchful for fresh signs of bear activity. Those frequenting the outdoors should recognize the differences between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces are smaller and predominantly contain berries and vegetable material. Grizzly bear feces are larger, contain little bells and smell like pepper.

Faith

An atheist was out fishing in Loch Ness when suddenly, the waters of the loch began to churn, tossing his boat about like a cork in a whirlpool. He was tossed out into the icy waters of Loch Ness only to be snatched up in the jaws of a large dragon like beast; the legendary Loch Ness Monster. As the monster rolled him back and forth across its tongue, he cried out, "Oh God, help me! Save me Lord, save me!" At once the monster froze, its teeth inches from the man's throat. All was still and quiet. Even the drops of slobber from the monster's tongue were frozen in mid drop. A beam of light pierced the clouds and blinded the atheist while a booming voice spoke from the heavens. "So you call on me now do you? After years of refusing to believe in me, you call on me now when this monster threatens you. What have you to say for yourself?" The atheist, shielding his eyes from the glare with his hands, looked up at the light and said, "You could cut me a bit of break sir. Heck, three minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

I say, Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhuasted and fell asleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bugger has stolen our tent!"

Thanks to Phil deCatanzaro

Back to the stinkers on Page Three.

The older they get the stronger they smell. (page 5)