Opeongo Mountain Resort

Joke of the Month

Page Three

Jokes that are ageing but not ready for retirement.

Woodie

Deep in the woods two tall trees stood. One was a birch the other a beech. One day as they swayed in the breeze the beech looked down and noticed a young sapling reaching up towards the sky. He nudged the birch with one of his branches and said, "Look at that young lad down there, he must be one of mine. Yep, he's a little son of a beech." The birch looked down and said, "I don't think so big guy, he looks more like one of mine. I'm sure he's a little son of a birch." The beech looked again and said, "You must need glasses, look at those leaves. He's a son of a beech if there ever was one!" The birch disagreed, "You look again. See that bark. He's a son of a birch for sure!" The argument went back and forth until a woodpecker flew by and landed in a nearby branch. "Hold up for a second you two," he said, "I can settle this. I'm sure you will both agree that I am an expert when it comes to wood. If you two will shut up for a few seconds, I'll fly down there, take a small sample and give you my expert opinion." The beech and the birch agreed. Quickly, the woodpecker dropped off the branch and flew down to give the little guy a peck or two. After a bit he flew back up to the tree tops and said, "I've got news for the both of you. The tree down there is not a little son of a beech and it's not a little son of a birch. It's a piece of ash and it's the finest young piece of ash that I have ever had the pleasure of sticking my pecker into."

No hate mail please, this really is a clean joke. Any relationship to other words and actions exist only in the mind of the reader.

B_L_O_N_D_E

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their cheque book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable' ?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

Sleeping Arrangements

P> One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."

Freedom of Flight

Two men are drinking at a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building. One man turns to the other and says, "You know last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall past the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they will carry you around the building and back up onto the top of the roof." The bartender shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second Man says, "What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen!" The first Man, "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, walks to the balcony and jumps over. He falls toward the street below. As he passes the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back up onto the roof. He calmly walks back to the bar. The second Man tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke. The first Man, "No, a bunch of us were doing it yesterday. Look I'll prove it to you again," and again he jumps over and hurtles toward the street and again at the 10th floor the winds gently carries him around the building and back up onto the roof. Once again he urges his fellow drinker to try it. The second Man: "Why not, it works, I'll try it," He walks over to the balcony looks over the side and jumps. He plummets downward and passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floor... and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT. Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

At the Gates

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they have air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day GOD calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "so how's it going down there in hell ?" Satan replies, " Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." GOD replies, "What???? You've got an Engineer ? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, " No way, I like having an Engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him ." GOD says, " Send him back up here or else I'll sue you ." Satan laughs uproariously and answers. " Yeah, right. And just were are YOU going to get a lawyer ? "

Old Loves

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............ ----Get ready----- "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

On the Job in Newfoundland

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station in Newfoundland and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

Amazing Discovery

A reclusive family from deep in the hills decided to visit a big suburban shopping mall for the first time in their lives. The women folk went to look at some clothing while father and son strolled the mall taking in all the modern wonders. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Sea Tale

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar and talk turns to their adventures at sea. The sailor notices the pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch and imagines the adventures behind the missing pieces. "So, how did you end up with a peg leg," the sailor asks. The pirate replies, "We were at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me our, a Great White bit me leg off." "Wow!" said the sailor, "What about your hook?" "Well matey," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and the fighting was close and bloody. Swords we was using and just as I was about to run a man through, a mate of his cut me hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the sailor, "Now, how did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into me eye," the pirate said with a bit of disgust. "What? You lost your eye to a simple seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously, "Did it get infected or something?" "Well....." said the pirate with a bit of embarrassment, "It was me first day with the hook."

Fair Game

The wife of an avid hunter decided to find out what all the excitement was about when it came to deer hunting. So she asked her husband to teach her. The husband spent all summer teaching her to shoot and about the wily ways of the Whitetail deer. Finally, "Opening Day" came around and the pair started off before first light. The husband, flashlight in hand, escorted his wife to her hunting stand and told her that he would be about 300 yards away from her and if she shot a deer he would come running. The husband had just reached his stand when he heard his wife shoot. Since it was still too dark to see anything, he feared the worst and went running to his wife's location. As he neared the location he heard his wife shouting, "IT'S MY DEER, I SHOT IT!!" He heard a man reply "OK, Lady. Just let me get my saddle off of him."

Double Trouble

A CATTLEMAN rode into a clearing and saw an enraged bull about to charge a cowboy who had become separated from his horse. Head down and nostrils flared, the bull charged. The cowboy dived into a convenient recess in the ground, and the bull plunged across the hole. The cowboy leaped out, and on came the bull again, madder than ever. Back into the hole dropped the cowboy. The cattleman watched this happen half a dozen times, then yelled, "Why don't you just stay in the hole?" Leaping out again, the cowboy shouted, "There's a bear in that hole."

Wish For It

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." POOF! Suddenly, he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

Late Arrival

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

The Perfect Gift

A older gentleman goes to a lingerie store. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. This is $200, she says. I want one that's more sheer, he says. The sales lady returns with another one "This one is $350" she said. "Come on, you must have something even better" he replies. Once again she returns, holding up a negligee that you could barely see This one is the sheerest one that we have. It's $500. "I'll take it!" he exclaims. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me. His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference. o his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. So, how do you like it? she asks. He responds angrily "You'd think for $500. they'd iron the thing!"

Thanks to Jane Spicer.

Batty

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me." He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Well I didn't!"

Thanks to Gary Christopher for that groaner

Irish Reunion

Two Irishmen are sitting at a pub in Dublin. One says to the other ,"where you from?" The man replies "I'm from right here in Dublin." The first gentleman is very excited and says "I'm from Dublin too, let me buy you a drink." The bartender brings them two fresh pints and they continue talking. The next question the man asks is where did you grow up. The other man responds , "I grew up in County Cork" The first man gets very excited and says that he was born in County Cork also. The first man buys more beers for this revelation. The next question is "where did you go to school?" The second man replies that he went to Our Lady of Eternal Suffering. This excites the first man into a fervor. He loudly proclaims that he too went to Our Lady of Eternal Suffering!! While listening to their conversation the bartender hears the phone ring. He is nodding his head and in response to the callers question and says, "Oh nothing much happening here, the O'Hara twins are drunk again."

Loan Policies

This Frog hops up on the counter and says to the bank teller, "I want a loan." So the teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer.. her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack'.... go see her." So the Frog hops off the counter, goes down the hall and into Ms. Wack's office, jumps up on her desk and says "I want a loan." Ms. Wack is quite puzzled, and gives the standard line.. "We must have something to secure the loan.. some collateral." At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan. So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes across the hall to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells him... "I have this frog in my office, who says he wants loan.. and this is what he has to secure it ... and I don't even know what this thing is." The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Ms. Wack, looks back at the "ceramic lion" and finally says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

Go back the way you came.

On for more punishment.