Opeongo Mountain Resort

Joke of the Month

Page Two

Jokes that are still fresh but getting ready for the bargain bin.

Bear Season

A Canadian game Officer driving down a country road saw a man with a large bear on the side of the road. "That's a big bear you've got there," said the warden. "Yeah, he's a real beauty," the hunter replied. "It just so happens you shot the bear out of season, I'll have to give you a $300.00 fine and confiscate the bear." Next year in the same place, the hunter shoots another bear. The same game warden approaches him and says, "That's a beautiful bear you have." "Yes, and this year it's during bear game season," the hunter said proudly. "Let me see your license." "LICENSE??!!" "That will cost you $300.00 and I'll have to take the bear," the warden said. The third season, the same situation takes place. The warden approached the hunter and said, "Well, that's a beautiful bear you have there." "Yes, and I have a hunting license, and it's the bear hunting season," said the hunter. "Yes, you seem to be legal. Tell me, how many times did you shoot the bear?" asked the warden. "One time." "Then how come he has a hole in his forehead and one in each paw??" "Well, when I shined the light in his face he covered his eyes......"

All the Extras

This lady always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the darned thing. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. *click* The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!" she screams. *click* "This is Rush Limbaugh, with talent on loan from God"

Bonus Joke for Easter

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine? The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Changing Times

Superman, Snow White and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were sitting around talking about their best qualities. Superman said, "I am considered to be the strongest man in the world." Snow White said, "I am considered to be the fairest maiden in the world." Hunchback said, "Well, I have the reputation of being the ugliest man in the world." Superman suggested they go to the castle and see what Snow White's mirror had to say. Superman went in first. When he returned he said the mirror confirmed that he is still the strongest man in the world. Snow White was next and when she joined the other two she said she was, indeed, still the fairest maiden in the world. The Hunchback was last and when he came out he had a puzzled look on his face. He is asked the other two, "Who is Dennis Rodman ?"

The Moral of the Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens to sell for cooking. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten chicks. "And what's the moral of the story Lucy?" asked the teacher. The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they've hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Little Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens!", said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from that horrible story?" "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Great Catch

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!! "You know," he said, " You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" " No," she replies....." You just happened to catch my eye."

A Spooky Story

Up in Foymount there was this old coffin factory. One night the watchman decided to take a stroll outside to get a bit of fresh air. As he walked around the side of the building he heard a bump on the concrete behind him and turned to see a coffin standing on its end about 50 feet away. Wondering what it was doing there he started to walk back towards it. With his first step the coffin shook, lifted and with a bump-ity-crash moved towards him. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared. Bump-ity-crash! The coffin moved closer. Bump-ity-crash! Closer still. The watchman took off running scared out of his whits. Bump-ity-crash, Bump-ity-crash, the coffin followed. He ran into a house a short distance away slamming the door and locking it. Within seconds the coffin crashed trough it into the house. Fleeing for his life he ran upstairs and locked himself into the bathroom. Bump-ity-crash! Bump-ity-crash! The coffin came up the steps. Bump-ity-crash! Bump-ity-crash! It broke down the bathroom door. The watchman stood frozen by fear as the coffin now slowly bumped its way towards him. What could he do? Looking for something to defend himself with he grabbed the closest thing at hand and threw it with all his might against the coffin. It was a large bottle of cough syrup and when that cough syrup hit that coffin .... the coffin stopped.

Down Under

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. On the first warm day in spring the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!". The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, All I can smell is ....molasses."

The Rules

Three women die together in an accident and go to hell. When they get there, the Devil says, "I know you have heard all those bad stories about this place but there really is no fire or brimstone. In fact if you follow our one simple rule there is no punishment at all. What's that one rule you ask? It's quite simple: don't step on the quacks." So they enter hell, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidently steps on one. Along comes the Devil with the ugliest man she ever saw. The Devil chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a quack is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidently steps on a duck, and along comes the Devil, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. But one day, the Devil comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on...very tan, muscular and thin. The Devil chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "This does not make any sense. I've been very careful and I'm totally certain that I never stepped on so much as a feather. Besides that, Old Nick's eyesight must be going bad, you're the handsomest man I've ever seen." Just then she happened to glance down at his shoes and noticed that they were covered with feathers. Then it hit her.

Power of Prayer

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has a halo twice the size of his. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation and he has twice the halo that I have." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Better Late Than Never

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Proper Dress Required

So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says - "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place... now hit the road." He goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. He really wants to get into the nightclub but has no idea what to do. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free. He heads back to the nightclub. He goes back to the nightclub and walks up to the bouncer and shows him his tie. The bouncer says... "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!"

Be The Man

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied: "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Wishes Do Come True

This guy was walking along the beach when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy 3 wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish." "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later." "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener

Thanks to Gary Christopher of SynerCom Consulting

Go back to the beginning. (Page 1)

Further down the path of pain. (Page 3)