Quote:
In ancient times strangely dressed men stood outdoors in all kinds of weather waving sticks in the air while asking their gods for favors. We called such men witch doctors. Such men exist today and we call them fishermen.
Jokes Updated January 14, 2009
Brokeback Hunting
Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear
in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder; he turned
around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "Don, you've got two
choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex." Don decided he wanted to live.
After two weeks of recovery, Don recovered and vowed revenge. He
headed out on another trip, where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear was
standing right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake
Don. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough
sex."
Again, Don thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it took
several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to
the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt the
sweet taste of revenge.
But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned around to find a
giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Don, you
don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
No Bull
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this
morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
Every 60 Seconds Another Is Born
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
Archive of Past Jokes
Angel Food
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't
seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've
stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I
just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the
bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the
waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their
heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
One Way to End an Arguement
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day.
They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they
were.
The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they're dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Fishing Lists
Items never found on a bass boat:
1) Fat-free snacks.
2) A windshield large enough to do any good.
3) Just one rod.
You'll never hear a bass fisherman say
"I have no idea what that bass weighed."
"Go ahead and cast; don't worry about hooking me."
"I have way too many lures."
Five things you won't hear on a bass boat:
1) "I really didn't need a motor this big."
2) "Could you unhook this fish? I hate getting my hands all icky."
3) "I sorta feel guilty about calling in sick."
4) "We'd better go. I want to get home while it's still light enough to cut the grass."
5) "It's kinda lonely out here. I hope some more boats show up soon."
Busted
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been
asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and
several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've
been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a
week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and
I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new
blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good
wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise
looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked
you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did; they're in your tackle box."
Snow Job
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero
when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot
and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her problem. She
then remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she
should wait for a snowplough to come by and follow it, that way she would
not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a
snowplough went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the
snowplough, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not
having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the
snowplough stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and
signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplough driver wanted to
know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice. The driver
replied that it was okay with him and she could continue, if she wanted,
but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to
Canadian Tire next.
Woman Power
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one has to drop off; otherwise, they are all going to fall. They
were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very
touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband
and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in
return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
their hands...
A Fish Story
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons.
They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. After several weeks had
passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards
the sea, while the other boy would always face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned
the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away,"
suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons,
"Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They set in provisions on their ship,
said their goodbyes and set sail for a three-month voyage.
Three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship did not returned.
Another three months passed, and still no ship. A whole year passed before the grieving woman
saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness!
What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to sea, when Towards hooked into a great fish.
Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week, they wrestled upon
the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and
Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
Worlds Funniest Joke
Through an extensive, year long search British researchers at the University of Hertfordshire, England
have determined this to be the funniest joke on the planet! We at the Opeongo Mountain Resort, Ministry of Humor
offer it up for your inspection. Try not to laugh yourself to exhaustion. (This is no bull. There really is such a university and they really did proclaim this to be the funniest joke in the world. WORD! You could look it up.)
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He dosen't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls Emergency Services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.
He says, "OK, now what?"
Just Friends
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to
discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once
again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again
reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the
step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She
went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare
you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and
drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.
Don't Bet On It
A Torontonian dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil
notices that a Torontonian is not suffering like the rest. He checks the
gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the
Devil goes over to the Torontonian and asks why he's so happy. The
Torontonian says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like taking
the streetcar in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the Torontonian's answer, so he goes over and
turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.
After turning everything up he goes looking for the Torontonian. He
finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the
Torontonian again as to why he's so happy. The Torontonian says, "This
is even better, it's like walking down Younge St. in July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Torontonian suffer, so
he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.
Once again, he goes looking for the Torontonian, and finds him sitting
on the floor -- even happier than before! The Torontonian turns to the
Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like Mississauga in August."
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this Torontonian." He goes over and
turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to
SNOW. "Lets see what the Torontonian has to say about THIS."
A little while later, the Devil finds the Torontonian -- only NOW he's
jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Maple Leafs have finally won the
Stanley Cup!!"
Never Too Old
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed
at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you
attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a trout fisherman and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight up and down
the mountains walking the streams and catching trout."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my
dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?
How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he went trout fishing
with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a trout fisherman."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer
said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
trout fishing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got
married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy
want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to
Go Team!
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know
the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a
living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is in prison for robbing a bank."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the
school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was
really true that his dad is in prison for robbing a bank. He blushed and said,
"I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for the New York Rangers, and I was just too
embarrassed to say so.
Golden Phone
A Candaian on vacation went to a church in Florida for Easter Sunday services. After the service as he was leaving he noticed a golden pay phone on the wall. Walking over to look at it more closely he noticed a sign on it advertising a three minute call for $10,000. He asked the preacher if it was some sort of joke but the preacher said, no, it wasn't a joke, and that the call was $10,000 because the phone was a direct line to heaven.
As he made his way back north he stopped into a few churches along the way and sure enough, they all had the same type of golden pay phones. Each one advertised the same service; a three minute call to heaven for $10,000.
Finally he got back home to the Ottawa Valley. When he went to church the next Sunday over at St. Annes in Cormac, he noticed that they too had installed one of the golden pay phones. However, when he looked closer he noticed this one had a coin slot and the price was listed as just 25 cents. Puzzled, he asked the Father why the calls to heaven were so much cheaper here?
"Local call, " the Father answered.
Thanks to David Brown of the Ottawa Citizen for digging up this one.
Ghandi
Warning: I beg your forgiveness for this one!
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Valentines Day
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says
"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine
to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the crap out of him."
Thanks again to our number one contributor of humor: Gary Christopher
Please feel free to call or e-mail us if you have an outdoors related joke that
is fit to print. If it is not too mouldy or too blue we will try to work it in for
you.
Brokeback Hunting
